If you’re in the men’s bathroom and someone is taking a shit in the stall and they sneeze… what is the proper etiquette?
Should you:
A) Pretend it didn’t happen?
a. Pro: Avoid acknowledging the fact that they’re taking a shit while you’re only a few feet (metREs for our non-domestic readers!) away.
b. Con: You come across as someone who doesn’t say bless you after someone sneezes despite the fact that you heard it. Sneezes are especially loud when bouncing off tile floors in the company shitter.
B) Say Bless you
a. Pro: You come across as courteous
b. Con: You now obligate the man taking the shit to say thank you; effectively acknowledging your presence. The shitter might want to be left alone and feels embarrassed shitting and sneezing at the same time.
C) The Best Option – Whenever you enter the bathroom, see if anyone is shitting. If someone is taking a shit… LEAVE! Go away. Go to the next floor or the other side of the building and use the bathroom over there. Avoid encountering these types of awkward social s(h)ituations, get it?! Funny, no?
a. Pro: You avoid this rigamarole.
b. Con: Your fat ass has to walk around a little bit.

THE ANSWER IS “C”. You can thank me the next time you see, unless I’m taking a shit, in that case, GO AWAY!

Clearly Canadian

Clearly Canadian needs to make a comeback

Singing sucks

If a choir is made up of children, deaf or mentally retarded people, it will be overrated.

You guys FACK-ING SUCK!

Farting

The funniest farts change their tenor before the fart ends. They start of flat and loud and end up squeaky.

FOBs

It’s funny to hear people fresh off the boat swear in English.

Pop culture

Calling your penis “junk” is a relatively new phenomenon.

The bathroom in the cafeteria is arguably the worst in the world. As soon as you enter, the view is so piss-poor (no pun intended) that you can actually see urine leaving the man’s hairy, ugly penis at the urinal. If you build bathrooms where the door gives you an angle of the urinal, you should be shot.

Japanese women

Japanese women giggling can be very charming, unless they are giggling after seeing your penis.

Hell yes!

Breathing

Have you ever taken a dump so big that you had to do Lamaze to get through it?

Squinty fucks

Spend the money and glasses, dumbass. People who squint to see things CLEARLY look like idiots. Get it? Clearly?! I’m concerned that wrapping that pun within my keen observation might have distracted you from the real punchline which was the fact that people who squint look like fucking idiots. It warrants mentioning.

Lumps

Do you need to have more than one lump to be considered “lumpy”? I don’t think so.

Revenge

Unbelievable idea for revenge: Go to a store on the web that sells blow-up dolls or other large, unwieldy, obscene sex toys. Buy the item using an anonymous money order or put the person you want revenge’s name on the money order. Have the shipping address send the obscene object directly to their work in a large, unmarked box. When coworkers crowd around to see what the recipient is opening, imagine the shock on the asshole’s face when he pulls out a blow up doll in front of his coworkers. Take that, asshole!

The Sister

My sister thought that sodomy was sex with an animal. I told her sodomy was anal sex, and then she wanted to know what it was called when humans have sex with animals. I would’ve said bestiality, but knowing what the word bestiality means makes you a sick fuck. I mean, what excuse are you going to have for knowing the meaning of bestiality? It was in your word of the day calendar? I don’t fucking think so.

Former boss

Actual conversation:

Phone book girl: We’re delivering phone books through your building today. Do you want any?
Former Boss: No, we don’t any
Phone book girl: They’re free
Former Boss: We’ll take three

Pills are good!

If there were a pill that would eliminate flatulence forever, how much would you pay for it?

Howard Stern

“Elegant” Elliott Offen is my favorite Howard Stern guest. High-pitch Eric is my second.

Flatulence

I have the worst gas in the world for my lifestyle. Other people might have more gas, but they’re unsuccessful people with dead-end jobs like mechanics, janitors or commodities brokers. No one is as successful and gassy as I.

Comments

Don’t you hate it when you say “what?” because you can’t understand someone and then they say it way too loudly as though you’re hard of hearing? People are hurtful assholes.

Funny shit

Everyone loves a good ventriloquist.

I'm going to tell you a secret... My hand is UP YOUR ASS!

TV Show Idea

Which would you rather see?
A show where the main character sneezes every time after he has an orgasm.
A show where the main character has an orgasm after every time he sneezes.

Pockets

10 to 1 that pockets were invented so that men could scratch their scrotums without taking off their pants.

Talk show idea

If I was a talk show host, I’d have a segment called “The Biggest Shit of Your Life”, where celebrities share the stories of their biggest dumps. I’ve never heard a disappointing “biggest shit of your life” story.

Goal Setting

You know your company sucks dick when one of its goals is to set more goals.

I don’t trust people with very thin lips.

And then the French guy goes... deoderant, what's that?!

Definition

Spiritual, but not religious = I like to believe all the fanciful bullshit of higher powers, but I don’t want the morality or discipline that goes with organized religion.

Who delivered?!

If you are ever eating DiGiorno pizza at a friend’s house, be a dick and say out loud “Great pizza… who delivered?”

A woman who cleans the toilet without being told is a woman worth hanging on to.

Excellent!

Phone skills

Whenever you call a man and he is in a hurry to get off the telephone, it is safe to assume he was masturbating when you called him.

Giggidy!

Assholes Anonymous

People who start sentences with “See here…” are assholes

Fact of life

Whenever someone says “With all due respect…” they are about to say something disrespectful.

Names

If someone is a retard and has the name Gregg or Megg with two g’s, make sure you pronounce their name “Greg-guh” or “Meg-guh”. Show them you see that there are two g’s and you insist on pronouncing their name properly. Fucking idiots.

SNL blows

Notes on SNL, as only my cunning wit can deliver:

Weekend update has never been shittier
The musical guests sound worse than my farts after my Friday night benders at Sal’s
Amy Poehler is hot
Horatio Sanz is funny.
I miss Will Ferrell.
Seth Myers has never made me laugh, not even once.
Darrell Hammond is a genius.
The guest host monologues have never been shittier.
There are no longer any more funny characters/skits (Opera Man, Bennet Brower, Matt Foley, Massive Head Wound Harry, Ladies Man, Mr. Robinson’s Neighborhood, etc.)
Ratchel Dratch is hideous.
That fat black guy who has the funny voice is pretty good.
I thought the show bottomed out in ‘98, but the show has never been shittier.

Paper football

You know what needs to make a comeback? Paper football. Remember that? From middle school, with the triangle? Man… that was awesome!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paper_football

Abu Ghraib Photos!

My favorite Abu Ghriab prison photo:
The one with the guy chained to the bed with the woman’s panties over his face.

The worst?

The dude at the bottom of the human pyramid!

How shitty is your life when you haven't eaten, slept or drank clean water in three days, and then have some smelly asshole name Muhammed stick his fucking knee, penis, and balls on your back on the bottom of the pyramid? That had to suck!

Thanks to all who participated!

Religion

All religions are pretty much the same.

They’re all basically preaching “don’t be a dick” and “be a nice guy”. I mean… does it really fucking matter what the name of your group of people is? Does it even matter what your religion calls itself as long as you guys aren’t fucking retards?

Raise your hand if you're a dumbfuck that takes religion seriously

Miss Piggy

Miss Piggy isn’t that bad looking for a Muppet.

Porn-name

If I was a porn star, the name I would choose would be Warren G. Harding.

That's right ladies... hung like a horse!

Birdwatching is over

Birdwatching will never become popular amongst youngsters, at least not when it has to compete against free porn on the Internet.

Fatty McFatterton

Do large breasted women produce more milk? Is there any way to ask this without sounding like a pervert?

History Note: Mary "Mammary" McGee (pictured above) fed the entire Union army in 1863.

Facts of Life

No one knows how to pronounce the last name “Nguyen”

The Reds

10 to 1 the hillbillies in Indiana would offend a Chinese person with the last name “Ng”, by pronouncing it “NIG”. On a related note, the name Fuk Ng would be a great name for an Asian pornstar. (sounds like “fuck-ing” for those of you uncultured motherfuckers)

Beaver-face!

Pressing your dry upper lip against your gum and exposing your upper row of teeth is always good for a laugh.

High-larious!

Restaurant Idea

I like food where you can eat the container; where a piece of food (shell, wrap, cone) holds other food – tacos, burritos, soup in a bread bowl, ice cream cones, pizza. It seems more efficient and makes you feel like I got a better deal. Someone should open a restaurant where they only serve those types of foods.

Fact of Life

Everyone loves a good trail mix.

HumoUr

It’s okay to laugh at something that a bipolar person did, but only if it’s REALLY funny.

Modern Medicine

What’s the process called as you feel the fart forming? Where you feel the gas working its way around the last few curves before it hits the hole?

If it is unnamed, I would like to claim credit for “discovering” this phenomenon. Let’s call it the TBSOYL Effect #2.

As you all know, TBSOYL Effect #1 is where you take a giant dump and after you’ve wiped up and put your boxers back on, you feel the need to urinate.

Passing out

People overuse the phrase “passed out”. Falling asleep (what girls do after two beers) is not the same as passing out. Please stop using this phrase, pussies.

Pussy

Phones

Remember those old phones that would actually RING? Those things will give you a heart attack nowadays.

Invention Idea!

Free invention idea: Come up with a CD of office noises (soft talking, gentle phone ringing, papers shuffling, keyboard typing, water cooler bubbling). This will remind people of work and how tired they feel at work and help them sleep easier.

Feminism for Dummies

A hyphenated last name means you’re a feminist bitch.

Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to screw in the lightbulb and one to suck my cock.

Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to screw in the lightbulb and one to film the documentary.

Pathetic

Once, when leaving a restaurant, on my way out, I took food off of someone else’s plate at another table. He had left 7/8 of his quesadilla untouched and his table had not yet been bussed. Looking back on it, I’m glad I did it.

Most people look back on accomplishments like “I’m glad I went back for my MBA before applying for that job because the MBA helped me get a higher salary”.

Me? I like to reminisce about that one time I tore off those quesadilla slices from that empty table before walking out the door at that expensive bar downtown.

Animal Schmanimal

You know what looks satisfying? The look on a lion’s face when he looks up and his face fur is covered in blood from being neck-deep feasting on a gazelle that he just killed.

Worky-work

Any job where the reward for working hard and getting things done early is MORE work is fucking idiotic.

Observation

People who snort when they laugh come across looking like morons.

Tripping and Falling

There should be videos for sale on Ebay of people tripping and falling down the stairs. As long as no one is seriously injured, why not? It’s funny watching people kick their own asses. I could seriously see nailing a small piece of wood outside the exit of a grocery store and just sit and watch people with groceries stumble and stagger around after catching their toe on the piece of wood. I’d bet there’d be some awesome wipe outs. I know you agree with me.

An artist's rendition

Fasshin

Why do girls think boxy plastic “emo” glasses are sexy? They’re fucking hideous.

Look at me! I'm full of angst!

HumoUr (the "u" is the for Brits)

Things to do with people who are sleeping:
1) Insert small, non-harmful objects into their gaping mouths.
2) Give them the finger to their face.
3) Say whimsical things like “You like looking at old men having gay sex. If you agree, signify by doing nothing.”
4) Carefully place their hand on their own genitals or yours.
5) Pile blankets, pillows and other shit on their face.
6) Wake them up by smacking them with a pillow as hard as you possibly can.
7) Softly say “fuck you, dickhead” and laugh as they do nothing in response.
8) Very gently trace the inside of their nostril, so the irritation causes them to slap themselves in the face.

Culture shows

Give otherwise worthless foreigners shitty costumes, shitty music and have them perform a “culture” show and liberal asshole audience members will outdo each other with praise and false adoration to prove they’re the most “cultured”.

Newsflash, dickheads: No one fucking cares how peasants danced 500 years ago. Do something useful with your life.

Two questions about writing

Do you think the paper feels ticklish when you write on it?

If I am using a ball point or gel pen, it is only a matter of time before you have accidental ink marks on your hands and clothing.

The Diceman

Andrew Dice Clay is funniest man that ever lived.

http://www.rotten.com/library/bio/entertainers/comic/andrew-dice-clay/

Dancing

Dancing is gay. The End.

Trying to get laid is the only viable excuse.

Flatulence

Have you ever farted so much you felt sorry for the chair?

Women

We got a new manager today. She’s this 45 year old broad with blonde, spikey hair. Ugh, how fucking unfeminine is that look? Has anyone woman in the history of the world ever been able to pull off the short spikey hair look? NO. NO ONE CAN PULL OFF THAT LOOK BECAUSE YOU CANNOT PULL OFF LOOKING LIKE AN ATTRACTIVE LADY WHEN YOU LOOK LIKE A MAN.

I don’t care how big your tits are.

To make matters worse, her smile was the most hideous shit I’ve ever seen. Her mouth makes it look like she’s the product of an old pirate who fucked a British hockey player. The thought of getting oral from her made my penis cower in fear. It would be like getting your caaack (Chicago accent) caught in a fucking Cuisinart.

The sequel was called

Copy Hairdo

&

Look Retarded!

Revenge

A good idea for revenge: Find the person’s lunch in the work fridge. Take out their sandwich, take the biggest bite you possibly can out of one of the halves and put it back neatly in the sandwich bag and back in the fridge.

Fact of life #39857431

Stupid people in positions of power are always going to be cocks (librarians, cops, lifeguards).

I miss Jim Mora.

Playoffs?! Don’t talk about… PLAYOFFS?! Are you kidding me? PLAYOFFS?! I just hope we can win a game.

Faker

You’re not fooling anyone with that smile.

Rule about farting

If you have to lean more than 50º to one side to release the fart, it isn’t worth it.

Womyn

Girls with low self-esteem are immeasurably easier to deal with.

Breastisis

Large breasts are nice, no question abouTIT. Get it?! Fuck you.

Flatulence

It is always acceptable to fart out loud when outdoors. The wind makes it ok.

NHL

No one missed the NHL when it was gone. In a related story, millionaires who play a children’s game receive little to no sympathy when voicing grievances.

Handsome Bloke

Beards are an inexpensive way to look older and more distinguished.

Child-raping son sold separately.

The Big Lebowski

Anyone who likes The Big Lebowski can’t be all that bad.

Funny shit

Running with your pants around your ankles is funny, no matter what.

Losers

Men with ponytails have high impressions of themselves.

Loves: Masturbation, Science Fiction

Hates: Hygeine, using his food stamps

Fashion

The following cannot be pulled off without looking like a total dickhead:
1) Monocle
2) Jamaican accent
3) bow tie

Jagoff

Sock Garters

Everyone loves sock garters!

Random

Chewing on ice loudly is comical.

TV Show ideee-a

I want a show where animals fight each other to see who is the toughest.

Birds fighting birds (Bald eagle vs. a hawk)

Chimps fighting gorillas

Bears fighting tigers

Etc.

Mike Tyson should host the show because he says the stupidest/funniest/most inappropriate shit at the most inappropriate time.

Retard.

Science Fiction

Science fiction is written by losers for losers.

I picked up this dunce at the Sci-Fi convention and cast a spell on her whilst climaxing!

Business tips for the youngsters out there

Finger-pointing and outright lying are very often useful and effective.

Big tits on obese women are comically large.

Doris "Fatfuck" Williamson, the town hooker, has 58 HHH breasts.

Dress Code shenanigans

If people at work can see your undies at the back when you lean forward, you are not dressing professionally.

NOT formal work attire

Advice to the "Sistas"

If you’re a very dark skinned black chick, your tattoo will be illegible. This will not be mentioned to you by the tattoo artist.

OHMYGODITSALIVE

Indiana Chick

Chicks from Indiana are so fucking fat that they’ll rock from side to side when they walk.

Comically overweight

Question about animals

Are there any animals that know how to jerk off? If so, do they?

Bernstein Bears

If the Bernstein Bears were Jewish, why didn’t we ever see them celebrating Hannukah?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bernstein_bears

Random Question

Have you ever taken a shit that went so horribly awry you needed to take a shower afterwards?

SNL

The funniest scene ever on Saturday Night Live was when Christopher Walken played Colonel Angus, and they made jokes about CUNNILINGUS for seven whole minutes.

Your major sucks

If your major is not engineering, business, or some form of science, it is shit.

Customer Service

If you work in customer service, the joke is on you.

Opportunity Cost

If you’ve never been drunk, eaten meat, or had an orgasm, you’ve wasted the last ______ years of your life.

Air travel

Air travel is barbaric. There is nothing anyone can say to convince me otherwise.

Students = Haha!

If you have to read assigned materials and take exams, you are a sucker.

Ebonics

Anyone who pronounces “eight” as “aif” doesn’t deserve any respect.

Stereotypes

Stereotypes are accurate, more often than not.

Working Girl

If you work in sales, the joke is on you.

Fashion comment

Anything with leopard print on it implies that you are, in fact, a slut.

Good going, slutface.

Random Fact

Every man urinates in the shower.

Parenting

Platform sandals are the sluttiest piece of attire on the face of the earth. If you send your middle school daughter to school wearing platform sandals, you might as well clip a condom to her jacket like a fucking mitten.

Slutty McSlutterton

Note about farting

If you think farting out loud when you’re alone is inappropriate, you’re too uptight.

Culture shows are for jagoffs

Dancing in a culture show does not make you any more intelligent or tolerant than someone who scorns the shit out them.

Bulimia/Schmilimia

Bulimia is fucking gross. Cut that shit out. Take it from me, horny single men would rather make out with a fat chick than a skinny chick whose mouth tastes like barf. Just an FYI.

Awards

If you are receiving the same recognition as others in a large, group setting, the award doesn’t mean shit. There is nothing special about multiple winners.

Pearl of Widom - #1

Everyone should know the story of the biggest shit they've ever taken and be able to recite it at a moment's notice.

Things I miss about my last job

Looking at www.tubgirl.com
chatting on AIM to other morons
Looking at hot, filthy porn
Farting out loud
Eating my own homemade meals which would stink up the entire office when heated
Telling dick jokes to Craig
Spending the entire day reading articles about the free market and Libertarianism
Listening to Andrew Dice Clay
Trading other people’s money
Staring at women walking into our building and passing judgment on their appearance

Comment about Animals

You know what looks genuinely enjoyable? Watching a tiger look up from the body of a dead zebra in front of him and his face is covered in blood and meat. Doesn’t that look eerily satisfying?

Question about animals - #2

Is it possible for animals in the wild to get diarrhea? Like can they get it if they eat a zebra too fast? Or eat the wrong plant?

If no, why not?

If yes, where is the hilarious footage?

Question about Animals - #1

Do you think animals in the wild shit in the same spot every time? Or do you think they do it wherever they please? I know this is inconsequential, but I am curious.

Comment about work-shit

This guy at work, Bart, is British, and every time he talks I think of Stewie.

Television show - Idea #1

There should be a show where a guy eats beans, eggs and garlic all day to get the hottest nastiest farts possible, and then he goes to crowded public places like dance clubs and subway stations and just drops these nasty fucking bombs and a camera crew films people’s reactions.

The guy goes into elevators and escalators and drops the hot farts and the presses a button let the audience know when he releases it. Then the camera crew zooms in on the people’s reaction as the stench hits their nostrils.

This is especially funny on a hot dance floor where people are close together and the heat makes the nasty smell rise quicker. It would be almost impossible to detect who our man is.

Instead of the crop duster method of farting, he’d rip ass and just stand there to let it build and then quickly step away.

Pet peeve

I hate people who pay attention and nod obediently to speakers and lecturers.

Business idea #1

No one likes my business idea. I’m going to sell my tattered undies on Ebay to horny Japanese businessmen and say that they were previously worn by schoolgirls.

My Girlfriend

This is one of my most favorite pictures on the web.

Her name is, simply, Tubgirl. I don’t know her background or where she came from, but this photo has always been close to my heart.

It should be in the Louvre.

It’s bold, yet whimsical. I like how she not only does a shoulder stand while going to the bathroom; she also manages to maneuver her rear-end to do potty right on her face. I think there’s a degree of skill involved.

Don’t you agree?

Top 5 most annoying things athletes say

We’re taking it one game at a time – Really? I normally play four games, all at once. It’s more fun that way.

Thanking Jesus – Tell me, asshole, why don’t you yell at Jesus for every interception your dickhead QB throws? Why do you believe that the most powerful entity in the world cares about a completely inconsequential game and leaves millions dying of malaria each year? I mean, isn’t that fucked up? Seems to me someone who follows sports but ignores famines is a pretty fucked up entity, wouldn’t you agree?

We’re not going to give up – Wow, I wiped my ass after I took a giant shit earlier today. Can I receive accolades for that as well? Both “accomplishments” are, in fact, not accomplishments at all. Any time a moron uses this line, you better hope this dumbfuck isn’t on your team.

We’re going to try to outscore them – Isn’t that like saying I’m planning on breathing today? People who say stuff this painfully obvious drivel should be punched in the balls… painfully.

It’s going to be a tough fight – Filler bullshit. Say they’re a bunch of fucking assholes and you hate them and maybe I won’t change the channel. Quit complementing the other team, sissy. Be a fucking man.

The End.

Reasons why the Rich are better than the Poor

Poor people are sniveling, irresponsible morons who deserve to live in the squalor to which they are accustomed.

Let’s take an objective look at some of the reasons why poor people are poor:

Tattoos – Only a moron would spend hard earned capital on a design for your body that’ll look like shit in 20 years.
Booze – I want to ruin my chances of success and lose money in the process.
Lottery – Let’s play the lottery because it’s easier to blow $5 than to think logically.
Cigarettes – I want to die of cancer so badly that I’d like to pay money for it. The box tells me that I will receive cancer upon using cigarettes, but since I’m a low-income moron, common sense doesn’t apply to me. I am a VICTIM.
Rims – My Dodge Neon doesn’t broadcast what a distinguished gentleman I am, therefore, these Wal-Mart wheel covers will have to suffice.
Cable – I value blowing capital and time spent in front of flickering box, greater than I value acquiring marketable skills and capital. Besides, I don’t want to miss Sex and the City.
Multiple, idiotic body piercings – I want to be turned down for any job where I need to use my intellectual abilities and look like a moronic pincushion at the same time.
Strip Clubs – I want to spend money for affection from ridiculously large-breasted women. Upon closer evaluation, this is actually not a bad use of capital.
Phone Sex – I’d like to pay $3.99 a minute to talk to dirty to a woman, instead of just going to the strip club (see above) and doing it for free.

Rich people spend resources on the following:
Library – The greatest thinker’s in the world have documented and distilled their years of thinking into books, which can be read, completely free of charge.
Internet – See Library. One can find work, acquire skills, meet new people and publish their ideas. The greatest invention, ever.
Courses – Spending time and capital on acquiring new skills, which are in demand.

Well… there you have it. Those are the differences. You can thank me later.

Testing

I'm just testing this shit out.